Friday, January 28, 2011

Murphy on Dames

See, with dames, it’s like this.

Say a dame walks into a room. Your head turns. You don’t even turn it, it turns by itself, like a sunflower seeking the sun.

Do even dames understand dames? Probably not. Does God? Probably; but perhaps even He sometimes murmurs, “What - Have - I - Wrought ??? ”

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Murphy on the Bunny/Hamster Controversy

Which (bellows the world) is cuter? ? ???

-- Whoa! You think I’m stupid? Man -- no way I’m wading into this one.

You got fanatics on both sides. Some shout “Bunnies!”, and some shout “Hamsters!” -- both sides waving pitchforks.

Me? I simply say:

Bunnies: O so cute.

Hamsters: Way way cute.

Comparisons are odious.

God made the both of ‘em -- Let God sort it out.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Murphy’s Favorite Recipes




(1) burger

(2) bun

You’re done!


Olde-Countree-Stylee Pizza


One (1) medium telephone

One (1) takeout menu

Call; order a Large; enjoy!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Murphy: The Movie

Only watch this video if you don't mind seeing a dame so drop-dead gorgeous she made me forget my pool game.

The Mystery of “Memento”

Ever watch “Memento”? Ever watch it fifteen times -- sometimes with the sound off, searching for subtle visual clues that the noise might distract you from, like a magician’s patter? Well, we did, me’n Joey. Now that was one tough case to crack.
Only now, Doctor J may have a lead that could bust the thing wide open. Check out the investigation here:

Friday, January 14, 2011

Murphy in Retirement

As Murphy grew older and older, people grew more and more kind.

At Rosie’s Luncheonette, where the Blue Plate Special vied with the Businessman’s Lunch, as the biggest seller and most profitable item respectively, Rosie now implemented the Detective Special, For P.I.s Only: a modest meal for a price that was beyond all modesty: for everyone know that the aging shamus had seldom two red cents to rub together. It was her least profitable item (operating break-even, so Rosie said; though everyone assumed it was at a loss), and her slightest seller (having a customer base of exactly one). It was priced at a dime, though Murphy always left a quarter, claiming that he had no other change.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Murphy on the War of 1812

Look -- it was all a big misunderstanding, okay? Matter fact -- never did understand the thing myself. But hey, bygones be bygones, alright? Pint of bitter under the bridge.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Murphy on beavers

Yeahh… Busy little critters… “Busy as a beaver,” like the man says.

And there’s a lesson in this, for all of us. Namely:

If you’re an aquatic creature with a broad flat tail, and big buck teeth, you really should build dams.

Monday, January 10, 2011

A Message from Murphy

So there’s this guy, at like this site, who keeps steering traffic this way. What’s that about?

So I dropped in on him unannounced, at his Fortress of Solitude. Had to rough him up a bit, but pretty soon he came clean. Turns out he’s okay. Goes by the handle of Doctor J. Talks so you can’t half understand him, but he’s straight up on the big stuff: Holy Spirit; Free Will; Sacramental nature of marriage. So I’ll return the favor -- check it out:

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Murphy: On a Woman’s Voice

Murphy knows he is not qualified, to comment on a woman’s voice.

If he had figured that one out,

-- he would be no longer with us.

=> :

He would be walking on air,

with stars in his hair,

hands in the clouds,

laughing out loud

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Murphy Laus linguae latinae

I wish I would of gone to parochial school.
Sure, they would of beat me; but at least I’d learn Latin. Where I did go -- orphanage, then reform -- they beat me anyway, but no Latin -- just Metal Shop. What run out of metal.

Latin is a language where good things happen.

Cos like in English, or Spanish, or whatever -- half the sentences are like: F*ck you, m*therf*cker; or S*ck my d*ck; or, You want fries w*th th*t??!!! But in Latin, you can’t say those things -- just no words for that stuff. Instead, they say things like:

Credo in unum Deum.

Ave, Maria, Gratia plena.

Et cum spiritu tuo.

Now -- you might think, one tongue’s as good as another. Table/mesa, pencil/lápiz -- same difference. But it's not so simple. Take that last one -- Et cum spiritu tuo. Meaning? What they came up with, was:

“And also with you.”

Now that’s like --
“Yeh, you too.”
“Yeh well -- be seein’ ya. Let’s do lunch.”
“Yeh, lunch sometime.”
“Mmm, lunch -- someday.”
“Like -- never … “
Meaning: If you die, it will not affect my schedule in the least.

Latin isn’t like that.
And so I say -- with a pronunciation that sucks but them’s the breaks --

Avē Marīa, grātiā plēna, Dominus tēcum. Benedicta tū in mulieribus, et benedictus frūctus ventris tuī …

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Murphy on the Epistolary Arts

Hello folks, this is a Personal Communication from your favorite wise-cracking two-fisted shamus. Notice the Mailbag feature, running in the margin on the left (or, if you are logging in from a universe made of antimatter, on the right). Real people write in with their hopes… their dreams… occasionally enclosing cash (this is encouraged); and every single letter receives a prompt and courteous reply. Anyhow a reply.

You are encouraged to participate! If you can’t think of anything (positive) to say, just send the cash! And best of all -- there’s a Swell Contest going on, for the best Letter of the Month. If you win -- you’ll be the winner! The prize is the warm, gooey satisfaction you get when you can pat yourself on the back (an awkward gesture, but it can be done) for having given the mostest of your bestest. And in this economy, that’s about as good as it gets.

Murphy on Thermodynamics

“Thermo-dynamics?!?!! What -- you kidding me? ‘Thermo’, I get that; like thermometer, or thermal underwear. Like, Hot enough 4 U?, ha ha. But thermo….dynamics… that would be like the dynamics of heat. Which is like saying, the dynamics of space, or the dynamics of time. What would that mean?”

Murphy fell silent, and grew thoughtful.

“But it’s real, you’re saying. There really is a dynamics of all that.”

A kind of longing; a kind of sadness.

“There really is a lot out there that I don’t know.”

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Murphy Considers his Sins

Murphy Considers his Sins

Man, I really tied one on last night. Might’ve done some things I’ll be sorry for later. Only, how can I be sorry if I don’t remember what I did? Jeez, I better write this stuff down.

Lingua Sacra is pleased to announce the following series of volumes, written by Mr. Michael Murphy, and edited by a prestigious ivy-league type with a Ph.D. after his name:

My Sins, by Murphy.

Volume I: The Early Years.

Volume VIII: That Time in Chicago.

Volume XXVII: Just Last Week.

[From: I Don’t Do Divorce Cases]